Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I am boring.

I haven't posted because I am not sure that I have anything interesting to say. My life has been pretty boring. I have been grumpy this week and I don't know why. Tonight, I let my sister in law offend me so now I am being childish and I am not talking to her. How mature of me to know that I am being childish right? The girls and I went to my nephews baseball game. I asked her if I could sit where her carseat was so that I could park Tater next to me. She asked me where she was supposed to put him (my nephew in his carseat). I just told her that it probably didn't matter since it wasn't like he was watching the game.

Then her 3 year old told me that he was going to pour gatorade on me. I told him that wasn't nice. He sat next to me and she had him move. I told her he could sit by me and she said that he couldn't because I had a bad attitude. Seriously. Whatever. I told her that I apologized for invading her space and took my children and moved to different bleachers.

She can be a bitch for weeks and we are all supposed to live with it. I am grumpy and she won't let her kid sit next to me. WHATEVER. I am so irritated with her. I mean it's more than that but nothing I really want to go into. Another story for another time.

I did go to the meeting about the sex offender. He lives behind us about a mile back. We live in the country is it's only like four houses away. I don't know, the meeting was kind of vague. I guess he lives next door to his brother who is also a registered sex offender. Doesn't that make you wonder how their childhood was. I mean is that common to have two sex offenders in the same family? I have seen if before but the times I have seen it, it was a dad and his son.

There was a post on the message board about CPS visiting a family. I didn't read all of it because it was so long. However, I miss that life. I am not sure I miss the job. I mean it's a hard job for not alot of money. I guess I just miss doing something that was...I don't know. Important maybe. Not that being a mom isn''s just different.

I know my feelings would be different now. I may have mentioned this in the past but when I worked as an investigator, I didn't have children. I think my mindset has shifted. I feel differently about things. Maybe more strict on some things and less on others. I don't know if that makes sense. I was always pretty liberal anyway with things like dirty houses and stuff like that. I just had no patience for women that wouldn't protect their children and I feel even stronger about that now.

It's strange to think of all the children I have removed from their homes. I know quite a few of them never went back. I know happy endings and not so happy endings. Sometimes I wish I still worked there just because when I did, I could keep up with them. Now, I just don't know.

One of the last cases I had was horrible and it was one of the main reasons I moved to Foster Care/Adoptions. I had the case off and on for over a year. I knew the children, they knew me. I had been to the home over and over. Finally it was too much. The children were removed. Then it was a complete shift with the family. I remember once I was in my office and the two girls were visiting their mom (ages 10 and 11). They were outside my window and all of a sudden one of the girls is pounding on it and calling me names. She came in the building running through the halls shouting for 'that bitch' which was me. She had to be physically restrained.

At court, the mom threatened me and I had to be escorted from the building my security. Another time, she was in the parking lot and an officer had to escort me again. I had to stay in my office if any of the family was in the building. I realized I couldn't do that anymore. It wasn't worth it. I am sad for the situation even now and it's been three years. Last I heard, the children were being freed for adoption. What a sad situation.

I was in a city too and that makes alot of difference. There, we would get a few cases a day. Here, it's like a few a week. We think about moving back sometimes. I would like too. I could be a supervisor. Then I think what it's like for Twinkie growing up near family and she loves them so much. I just don't know. I don't want to live here, but I don't want to move. I just know how much I loved being raised with my cousins and my huge family. I want that for my children too I just don't know how not to be selfish about it and want something else.

I am so unhappy right now I don't even know how to change it. I don't know what will make me happy. Moving? Working? Counseling? Drugs?

Any answers??

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